Big Rock Candy Mountain

I composed these lyrics a few years ago, but since Republicans make such a virtue of their inability to learn, the words still fit.*


Big Rock Candy Mountain (Republican Version)

On a summer day in the month of May
I met a Republican drivin'.
He was going down from his hometown
‘Cause the riffraff were arrivin'.
As he drove along he sang a song
Of a land of milk and honey,
Where a man can’t stay a single day
If he don’t have any money.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountain you never pay no tax
And all the schemes of government get stopped right in their tracks.
The market keeps on rising and the bubble never pops.
The stocks stay high and the wages low;
Your portfolio just grows and grows
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountain the poor stay out of sight.
They just show up for work each day and disappear at night.
They never ask for raises, short hours, or minimum wage.
They’ll do their task and never ask
For a bigger share than you care to spare
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountain you always have a maid
Who’s working far too hard to pause and say she's underpaid.
Your nanny works on weekends and your gardener takes no breaks.
They’re never seen, but your house is clean;
It looks just like a picture in a magazine
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountain they attend church every day.
There’s a Bible in each classroom and they stop each hour to pray.
They don’t allow no atheists and the Darwinists get hung.
They'll slit the wrists of the scientists
Who deny the Earth its recent birth
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountain there’s a cop by every door,
And every prison cell is full and they’re willing to build more.
You’ll never see treehuggers, no hippies, French, or gays.
Oh, I want to be where they look like me,
Where the weirdoes know that they shouldn’t go,
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.




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*Admittedly, the French have fallen off the radar lately.